In response to the thousands of voices clamouring in my head for me to assume the helm of government in Italy, I have decided to lay aside my personal desires and ambitions in order to stand for election in April. My new Party, Forwards and Upwards to Change (FUC), comes into being today. Membership is open to all those who share the party’s core values of forwardness and erm... upwardness. Details of how to pay the €5000 registration fee into my bank account can be found on the attached form.
Our aim is to expand the scope of the missionary work currently being undertaken by EFL teachers across Italy, so as to create a truly anglicised democracy. Accordingly, the key elements of the reform programme we propose are:
1) immediate removal from the Italian national football team of any player or member of coaching staff not in possession of a Headless Chicken Tactics certificate, in order to ensure that the country is never again distracted by frivolous World Cup success from the serious task of fucking its own economy;
2) introduction of specialist Pig Abattoirs and Bacon Warehouses in every province of every region;
3) staged introduction of driving on the left. Numerous academic studies have proved that the tendency of many Italian drivers to career wildly around roadways is an unconscious rebellion against state repression of the natural human inclination to proceed in an orderly manner along the left-hand side of any given carriageway;
4) creation on the island of Pantelleria of a Shortly-After-The-Millenium Dome to serve as a living museum to Italy’s Political and Cultural Greats. Visitors will be able to marvel at the spectacle of icons such as Silvio Berlusconi, Gigi D’Alessio and Valeria Marini at work and play in their own Case Popolari within the vast asbestos umbrella of the Dome;
5) privatisation of the railways, in order to ensure steep fare rises, rapid deterioration in the quality of service and the reinvestment of profits in the wellbeing of a few blokes who are backing my election campaign;
6) introduction of a Tosser Tax (Tassa Trmon) in pubs and restaurants which do not exclude... well, you know who you are;
Further information on our ambitious plans for the future will be made available as soon as I can be arsed to think of any.